Three weeks to go...

The Cardiff Half Marathon is in three weeks. Three weeks!!! I think up until now I've mostly been excited. A little nervous of course, just because I've never done anything like this before, but mostly excited. But today I just got a bit panicky - I mean, I'm still going to do it, it'll be fine and I'll realize at the end that I was worrying for nothing, but right now? I'm feeling more than slightly apprehensive about the whole thing. Why on earth did I say I would do this when I've never even run a 10k? Should I have backed out over the summer when I hurt my leg and couldn't keep up with the training? I hate the idea of quitting anything, but I wonder if, once I knew that I wouldn't be able run the full distance, I should have backed out so that someone who could run the full distance could participate?

There was a 10k race here in Swansea today, and there were people who just went to watch. And I hadn't really given it much thought before, but it hit me that there would be spectators in Cardiff too... Currently, I wake up an hour and a half earlier than I would like just so I can run when there are fewer people out and about. And while I'm no Phoebe Buffay, I'm not what you'd call a graceful runner either - my face is always beet red, I'm puffing away and sweaty (of course). I wonder at these girls who seem to be able to run in hot pants and a sports bra with minimal jiggling and without breaking a sweat while I jog along in as many compressing layers as I can get away with without overheating (if they made breathable running burkas, I'd probably invest). And what if I can't do it and then everyone sees me fail?

My point is, nobody needs to see me run. And as I write this I realize how ridiculous I'm being. Who cares? Nobody is actually going to be watching me specifically, they're just there for the general event and for their friends. There will be so many people there that nobody's going to notice the girl in the half burka running in front of them, even if it does take me ages to actually run across their line of vision. And I'm not going to fail.

I think what I like most about running is how you can completely lose yourself to absolutely nothing and just run. No stress, no worrying, just focusing on making it to the next bench, or the next bend. And then when you get there you think 'just one more, and then I'll walk for a second', and you keep doing that until you reach the point that you can see the end and then you realize you can make it - and that feeling is amazing. About 100 metres from the end of my route I always force myself to run as absolutely fast as I can, no matter how long I've been running or how tired I am, and I think that's my favourite part of the whole run - knowing that I feel (sometimes) like death and still being able to do that bit at the end...I'm literally grinning when I actually finish, knowing that I've done that.

So I'm not going to worry anymore about this craziness. I may not be the fastest or the best, but it makes me happy. And even though I won't be able to run the full distance, I'm running. And one day I'll run the full thing, although hopefully by then I won't feel the need for the half burka.

Goal of 7k, no stopping, reached last week!! This week's plan is 7k (Monday), 5k (Wednesday) and 7k (Saturday).